Waiting in the Wings

Well, it's been a long time since my last post. It has been very busy here, getting ready for the shows and graduation.

So. Our show was wonderful, it really was - well acted and presented, great props, etc. Unfortunately the worst weather in Britain in two decades happened right as my parents arrived for their visit, and therefore not many people came to see the play. So we put a lot of money and hope into it and we are still in the red, along with difficulties regarding performance space, which we are scrambling for with our next play. The bad weather also unfortunately made us cancel our trip to Skye, which I've been wanting to go to since I started studying. My parents had a nice time anyway.

However, I did graduate. And I have an interview on Wednesday as well as applying for (seriously) the job of my dreams this upcoming week. I don't want to say more in case I jinx it or something.

Perhaps 2011 will be my year.

:(

Well, here I am, a few months into this experiment and doing less. I'm in a very unpleasant work environment, making next to nothing, barely surviving. The play is a few weeks out and still don't have all the necessary money to put it together. The cast and crew are great but I am concerned that it won't work out. I am banking everything currently on getting large audiences for each performance. Then I should be fine again.

I'm uncertain about my relationship, I'm unhappy in my job, and I don't seem to have any new friends. I don't know how other people get jobs that pay well. I did what I was supposed to do - I went to university, got degrees to postgraduate level, and I'm still living far below the poverty line.

I sometimes feel like I am the opposite of King Midas - there's nothing I touch that doesn't end up working out badly. I also dislike complaining and complainers, but I felt that things have gotten so rough again that I needed to mention it, if only to remember this.

I'm considering applying to posts in other countries, as it seems like all I have experienced in this one is a lot of behind-the-back whispers and unbelievable behaviour from people who should be old enough to know better.

I'm somewhat homesick again, but far less so now that I know what 'home' is at present, rather than the place in my memory.

I'm sure there is some way to get into these jobs - I've known many people in them, although not in my own friend circle. No amount of rewriting my CV or sending cover letters seems to help; I hear nothing or only receive polite letters of rejection. Everyone says it's the economy but it isn't just that...I feel like there is a secret handshake that for some reason, I have never been taught, and I'm on the lookout for someone who can teach it to me.

Very Unhappy

Right.

So my security job apparently only paid me £15 for 9 hours of work; upon arguing with one of the bosses, he told me to 'get my facts straight so I don't make a phone call and make a fool out of myself'. Interesting.

Also, my other job pays very little, treats all of us like dirt, and refuses to give out more hours when other staff quit to take on other, better jobs (as at least 2 people have now done in the handful of weeks I've worked there).

Now living in abject poverty, I wonder what I am going to do next. I am beyond frustrated.

On the other hand, the play is going well. :(

Too Much Going On

OK! I have finally returned to my blog! I swear I didn't forget! Well, maybe a little.

In the last few weeks, we have:

Become increasingly busy with, and disorganized because of, our Dr Horrible play. It is an expensive and time-consuming thing to do, a play - and the easiest part is corralling people for rehearsal, which is also difficult to do. I am directing, which also means I'm the one up til midnight sewing puppets, liasing with the poster designer, creating the website, buying costumes, and yelling at Paypal because every one of their representatives has a different story and one persisted in calling me 'ma'am' just about every 5 seconds. Sigh.

Due to the massive expense of this play, I've taken on another job. I am now working security at football matches, including Celtic and Rangers. This job is an exercise in patience, confusion, and Scottish modern culture. The amount of hatred and violence seen at the football games here defies belief (and such awful cheerleading that I think I am going to start a cheer school - although I've never been a cheerleader, I do know how to teach dance, and that would be a great help locally).

Endless work, much of which has been intensely frustrating, plus I have to teach dance tonight...but have been so busy that I haven't even had a chance to hang up my poster adverts much of anywhere.

I'm telling you all - after this I really need one of those cruises. I've never worked so hard, and had so little in the bank.

On the other hand, I've found out for certain that I've graduated, so that's a huge relief! I'll have my ceremony at the end of this month - the same date the play opens, incidentally.

I'll try to update more often...I know, promises promises.

Money

Wow! Busy busy busy.

I have an addition to my current fast-paced job - I am now going to be a security guard for football matches. Guess it's time to put my money where my mouth is regarding my claim to be 'tough'. Still, work is work. I'm also trying to help my parents book a trip here so they can see me graduate and also so they can watch my play - and general tourist things, which is also difficult as (due to lack of cash) we don't have Internet at our flat as of yet.

The play is going well - we had rehearsal this evening - though a couple people have dropped out and others were sick this evening. However, as my musical director says - at least this is regular play stress rather than crazy stress like we had previously. However I believe we have a very solid cast, so I am hoping for an amazing turnout on opening night (and the following performances, of course). This also means I have to build a website for the society, create a Paypal link, and do random other things such as secure funding, find costumes, and even 'edit' an existing puppet.

I'll be teaching dance in a prestigious studio starting in November as well as in a swank local pub, so I am hoping that starts to look up.

Unfortunately - money is still an issue. I am hoping this gets resolved soon, as living overseas isn't cheap. I had to turn down my teaching gig at the very first convention I'd have been teaching at, which is a horrible shame for me (and them - as an event organizer myself, I hate to put people out because I know how hard it is). I feel very guilty but plane tickets are ridiculous at the moment for some reason and I can't go even though I know I'd be paid. So that's the bad news of the moment. I hope the organizers can forgive me and will keep me in mind for future events - and that this particular occurrence doesn't mean the end of ever being able to teach at a workshop for other dancers again. It worries me a great deal - plus I was really hoping to see other dancers I know there. There aren't a lot of 'dance geeks' around to hang out with so these are always great opportunities for us, and I hate the combination of missing this chance as well as looking like a flake to the dance community at large.

On the other hand, there is a local Arabic Arts festival coming up that I'm going to, and will be performing at (hopefully). I've also updated my website and I'm hoping that brings in more business. What is it about this dance business that seems to demand the dancer is *already rich* before she or he begins?

Slacking!

Wow, I seem to be slacking with my blog once more!

I've been reminded it's National Novel Writing Month. I should get on that, since I do have a few waiting to be finished, and after all this year is about making a success of myself. I keep intending to write updates on my goals. I suppose I will do that next.

In other news, I am *broke*. Which is odd, since I have a job and therefore should have more money than I did, but apparently the world has different ideas. I think it will be a bit of a stressful time before I get my next visa.

I tried out for a television show, but I don't think I was successful as they wanted someone Scottish. Also I think that my theatrical upbringing is fairly apparent, and doesn't translate well to film. Amazingly, I've been told that people who go to acting school here *actually get* careers in acting. As an American, this surprises me. I think it's a much better way to go about it, but it still surprises me - so the lack of any training on my resume probably doesn't impress.

We finished auditions for the play and cast everyone, but since no women auditioned I will have to play a small role. I am a bit nervous about that because my voice still occasionally cuts out without any warning and I hope that it will have recovered by the time we go onstage.

My job continues to be very stressful and busy, but oddly I enjoy it. It's better than watching the clock.

Unfortunately my dance aerobics class was cancelled. I have a regular dance class starting Monday night, so I have high hopes for that. Also, I have spoken with a fairly prestigious dance school and they are willing to let me teach Thursday evenings, and I am excited about that, impatiently waiting their letter of invitation.

So far, I feel like I am making some progress. I just wish that success would someday equal money.

Auditions

Today are the auditions for the play. I am a bit nervous! There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day, or jobs available, or money in the bank.

I am supposed to go back to the US for a weekend to teach at a convention; I am not entirely sure about whether that's a good idea considering the cost won't be covered. However, this year was about me making something of my own life rather than trying to do it for others, so maybe I should stick with it.

I feel like I've made some progress, but sometimes I wonder if happiness itself isn't what my real goal is. I haven't had a lot of it and I've had a difficult life; is it success? Money? Accomplishments? I wonder whether all of that would bring me happiness after all. Of course I will be able to accomplish a lot of things and seem impressive to others, but what I'd really like is to feel comfortable in my own skin and quietly happy - no regrets, no anger, no sadness.

I'm not entirely sure how to get there from here. But I'm trying.

Whew

Lots of things going on here. I'm still getting over being ill. I also almost lost my voice teaching dance aerobics - guess it may take a while to recover from the surgery.

I started working at a very busy office that reminds me of the girl's job in the Devil Wears Prada - except without the snooty boss. I'm actually enjoying it a great deal, and it's *such* a relief to see my bank balance starting to become reliable again! I'm hoping to somehow get this as a permanent gig. It's a tough old world out there and I am lucky to have found a job at all in my situation. The next visa I have to apply for may be trickier.

I sent in an audition form; we'll see how that pans out. Speaking of auditions, the play auditions are Monday! I am looking forward to that, although I'm exhausted.

A trick I recently learned: if you have microwave butter popcorn and no microwave, tear open the bag and put it into a wok with some olive oil on the bottom. Cover it and start shaking the wok when it begins to pop - AMAZING. Of course, you can do this with regular kernel corn as well, but it's particularly good with the microwave butter type.

I am going back into weightlifting, as part of my dedication to being more fit. There is a competition Oct 31st and I am going to enter. That should be interesting!

Otherwise have had a lot of fun at various pubs (only drank 1 night out of the last 16), listening to ceilidh music and teaching a bartender how to make absinthe properly. Once all of this is in place, I will begin to focus on my language learning and publishing my book again.

I am hoping that I won't remain sick too much longer.

Still sick

Yes, I am still under the weather. However, I have a new job! So that is wonderful.

On the other hand, I feel discouraged - with now three degrees under my belt, I haven't seen a position in my life that has paid me more than about $10 an hour. And those were the highly-paid ones! Dancing has often paid a great deal more, but not recently.

My university course was canceled, but at least that gives me time to teach dance on Wednesday evenings, which is a sure bit of money for a while, anyhow. I am going to meet with the organizer to talk about trying another class for the spring semester.

The woman who does the booking for our play *finally* got back to me today after a phone call with all the forms she'd promised me weeks ago. And with only one week to go til auditions! It's somewhat frustrating to know that you could probably do someone's job a lot better than they can, and yet you're still working for peanuts...

I don't know why I am so grumpy at the moment. Sickness, probably. Anyhow, things seem to be inching forward. Now I have to find a second day job as well because the post I got only offers a couple days a week. Here is hoping that I get up tomorrow feeling better. :)

Sick

I have the flu.

Yesterday's hafla was in a beautiful seaside village called Kinghorn. It has some amazing history, being where King Alexander III of Scotland supposedly died. However, it was all lost on me as I spent the entire day having horrid sneezing fits, which I initially thought were due to mold problems in the flat, but it turned out to be an actual full-blown illness. So, between sneezes, I danced. I was actually really pleased with the performance, which I haven't been in years. Except that I basically ran the trains out of tissue paper as I was sneezing all the way back to Glasgow and didn't get in until 1 am.

Still feeling pretty awful, taking it easy and medicating myself with hot toddys on the advice of a friend. Aside from these, however, no alcohol at all in the last 11 days. I am hoping that this will show up on my waistline eventually. :) I am also going to be posting my progress in each goal daily, once I get over this sickness.

The Kinghorn hafla was a lot of fun. Seeing a supportive dance community is always a joy.

Happy

I worked my first day today, with someone who loves folklore as much as I do! I feel very positive about this.

Today I was speaking to a French friend of mine and realized I couldn't remember the French word for 'happy'. That says a lot about my state of mind in the last few years.

I've realized, talking to him, that I love Scotland now, the cobblestones, the rain, the strange words, the tea, the black taxis, everything. I feel much more positive about just about everything - and I hope that indicates that things are looking up for me.

Tomorrow is my first full day of work, and then I have the hafla on the weekend. I'm really excited about that as well. It's so nice to write down positive thoughts!

Yay!

Looks like things may be shaping up! I will be working this week, and if I do well, a receptionist post in the city centre will be mine for six weeks. *SIGH OF RELIEF*

Also, I am teaching belly aerobics tonight, and saw a new space for teaching, which I will take. So - as long as the uni course I am teaching goes, that means I'll be teaching almost every night, plus play rehearsal.

Weather's been odd today - it's hard to know how to dress. It's hot, then cold, then rainy.

Even so, Scotland seems so much sunnier this time around.

Falling into Place

It looks as though I might be in luck; the place that originally hired me to work at the prison has offered me a different position this week. Hopefully, if I do well, they will provide me with further assignments.



I went to visit the person booking rooms for our play, and found that she was off today. I have been trying to get her to ensure our rooms are booked for the past three months and have had no luck. I ended up talking to a different person in the office who told me that none of the dates were even in the system! And the entire building had advertising for our auditions up on the walls. He said that he booked us in for auditions and performances but was going to have to get back to me on our rehearsal schedule. This is very frustrating, and makes me wonder what on earth this lady does in her office. He said that we still had to go through her for bookings, so I suppose we will just have to deal.



I will be teaching a class tomorrow evening and having a very busy day tomorrow arranging several things, including yet another dance class. Adding a couple college classes will make me just about where I'd like to be as a dance instructor (provided everything goes well). So here's hoping!

Distraught

It looks as though I will never find out what it's like to work in a juvenile prison. I needed to have a special certificate (which I had, but have misplaced). I could not get a copy from either the government or my former employer. So I lost the first day job I've been offered. I am fairly upset about this because the timing was perfect; I'm out of money and really needed to make a good impression. Clearly this was not the way to go about it. So I am once again unemployed, and scrambling. I don't know why no one can get me a copy; the government was able to give me a number but the employers weren't willing to accept that in lieu of the actual piece of paper. So I am very frustrated now.

Last night had a brilliant meeting with my two musical directors for the play. They are so talented I felt a bit overwhelmed. However, I hope that our combined talents along with my drive will make this a great play.

Without this job I was counting on, I am not sure how I am going to go about renting my studio space or paying rent in general. Finding work here is as difficult as anywhere else, except that I also have the added problem of being from overseas. I am feeling pretty discouraged because although everything else is going well, I really need to have a day job for everything to work out.

Bonny Banks

Today I went to Loch Lomond!

I saw the SeaLife aquarium, which was amazing and reminded me of Hawai'i. Then walked through a food and drink fair, along a river, and lay in the grass on the grounds of a castle overlooking the beautiful loch!

I also had some amazing haggis, neeps and tatties with whisky cream sauce at an inn next to the train station; it's called the Tullie - absolutely recommended! Dessert - or 'pudding' - was roasted marshmallow Bailey's Irish Cream cheesecake.

Does it get any better than this?

So, well, diet not going so well, but will be having Pacific Rim salmon and Mediterranean red pepper tomato soup for dinner to make up for the afternoon feast. Third day without alcohol; they say that will make you gain weight faster than anything, so I am happy about my progress there.

I have been finding it difficult to write in this blog; for some reason I want to be circumspect rather than talk about everything that's been going on, so I'm going to try and write more bravely, starting today. :)

Another Day

So here I am, the second day of trying to make a real go of this. I have eaten fairly well, so I am proud of myself for that.

Today I got a job, although it's rather nerve-wracking. I will be working at a juvenile prison. I took the position because it's all I've been able to find. It's only for a month or so, hopefully I will be okay with it.

Things are shaping up - I found a studio to rent at a very reasonable rate and will be teaching classes come October. So I have university teaching, dancing, play directing in the evenings, and finally a day job (at least for a while; but I hope that if they see I can be reliable and a good worker, I will get further temp jobs with this agency). It looks as though I will be very busy in the months to come, which was what I was hoping for - productivity, achievements, and hopefully - happiness.

Dedication

Well, I have let this blog slide a bit, since I have been busy with friends and doing other things.

However, I have decided that today I will be starting a six week change of diet and habit. So this is day one, and I will blog daily about it.

I have been thinking of how I used to hang out in coffeeshops, and now everyone hangs out in bars. I wish that the coffeeshop would come back as a place to see friends. I went to the bar last evening, and while I had fun at first, one of my friends started talking to me about an incident that happened here last year, and had been twisted out of all recognition by the other people involved so as to not look like they were at fault. It seems that every time I try to move on, I am dragged back and down by things that have happened in the past. I am hoping to avoid that in the future.

I haven't sent in anything for my novels, but I will be performing next weekend and going to see some studio space I could hire out for teaching dance. My primary concern at this point is finding a day job. It seems impossible at the moment, and money is very scarce. Still, I am plugging along. I put up audition posters for our new play, and will be meeting again with the musical directors on Sunday, where we will hopefully put something together for the auditions.

Here goes my first day of change, which should have happened the day I returned, but at least I am dedicating myself to it now. Also, my new job comes with a free gym membership, so I will be starting my regimen again soon.

This weekend I will be going to see some other parts of this country, which I took for granted the first time I lived here. I am trying to be positive.

Sleepy

Last night was my welcome back party. It was fairly sedate but still a lot of fun.

I've been more affected by my friend's admission that she never really liked me today than I have been in the past. Something about today, I suppose.

The play auditions are coming up soon, so things are rolling with that. I've been invited to perform at a hafla, so that should be fun. Mainly I feel very exhausted. No nibbles from prospective employers as of yet, but I am still working on sending out applications.

I haven't done a lot of work on the weight loss front, as all the food I once despised here seems wonderful to me - and doing a lot of celebrating too! So hopefully things will settle down now and I'll be able to focus more on that. Currently there isn't a great deal going on, but eventually it will be so busy I won't be able to think, so I will take this time to try and heal, turn over a new leaf, start a new chapter...or possibly a new book.

Exhausted

I have been running around like mad today, getting the usual errands done that need doing after a move - a new bank account, meeting with my professor, grocery shopping, the works. I'm fairly tired.

This blog was meant to be a record of my work toward being myself. I can report that the grocery shopping, at the very least, is moving in the direction of weight loss: I purchased only the things that I was eating when I was on a restricted diet, so now I will just need to work on willpower. I have been applying for jobs, and was finally contacted by the owners of the stage rights for our planned musical, and that seems to be going ahead fairly well.

I want to focus on dance next - finding a venue in which to teach. I had a teaching gig at the university, but turned it down when it was offered this fall because I didn't know if I'd be returning, and another dancer is now teaching that class. However, she says I can teach it again in January, as she is moving away. I would like to have that class again.

No bites on my novel yet; I will have to start querying again soon. They say you only need one 'yes'...

I am still feeling positive.

New Day

Well, I have tried not to let the incident that happened with my friend bother me too much. I notice that with my new positive attitude, things are a lot different here, and I am trying to have a very optimistic outlook.

Tonight - drinks with friends. Tomorrow - the serious work begins. :)

Well, I have had such a happy return that I have felt very positive about my move. The food tastes amazing and I was feeling very good.

This morning I discovered a friend who was avoiding me was not, in fact, my friend - which she did not tell me personally but through another person. So that is very disappointing.

Arrival

Friends met me at the airport and we went shopping for local food. I feel more comfortable here already.

We went out for drinks and met up with a few other friends, one of whom said 'Welcome home'. It never occurred to me that this might be 'home', rather than the place I just left.

I woke up this morning, exhausted and with a headache, but happier than I've been all summer and with a sense of belonging, purpose, and a future that I didn't have before.

Today is the Day

My flight leaves this evening. I feel exhausted from my experiences this summer and I am hoping I look forward to something positive and new. Tomorrow I will be in another country with other people, focusing on myself for one year.

Please think of me this evening.

A Prelude to the Journey

I have always been told that I am an interesting person.

I have lived in many places and done many things. However, I have always put the goals and aspirations of others ahead of my own, because I wanted the people I loved to be happy and successful. I neglected my own goals and happiness in the name of this quest.

Last year, I realized a lifelong dream and went overseas to university. I had a longterm boyfriend who messed me around quite a bit at the time, and I recently discovered that he had badly used me.

I am writing this, angry and hurt, a day after having found out about it. I am thinking about how much I gave up for him while I ensured that he was secure and stable, on the path to a great career. To think that I may have given up my graduate degree to come back to this - I am horrified! I have always been skilled in helping others realize their dreams. So I am starting this blog to realize mine, because I feel that it is my turn now.

On August 27th I will be returning to the country I left earlier this summer. That was the date that I left last year, and it was the most awful year of my life. Therefore, I am committed to making this one the best...for myself, and no one else.

365 days. Several goals. Focusing on myself.

My dance instructor wisely told me, 'the right guy just fits into your life without changing it'. So I am going to make myself a life, and any interested guys will just have to fit into it.

MY GOALS:

Losing 60 pounds, or the fitness equivalent. I enjoy martial arts and dance, so I like a muscular physique, and that will be the real goal.

Acquiring fulltime, flexible, gainful employment that pays at least $80, 000 or its equivalent.

Getting out of debt.

Acquiring a *real home* of my own (not necessarily a house, but a place where I feel like I belong, and is *mine alone*), with some land around it, that allows pets, and acquiring one.

Organizing and presenting my dance business properly, and becoming successful in it.

Becoming *healthy*, quitting smoking, limiting drinking.

Eventually getting into university for my PhD.

Publishing my books.

Finding a caring, supportive group of friends.

I don't expect to achieve every single one of these goals to its end by the end of the year, only to focus on my dreams, and hopefully take the steps necessary to arrive at them.

At this time, while I am still upset, I was told 'Don't quit before the miracle'. I am publicly announcing my intention not to quit. This blog will hopefully keep me accountable.

If you like, you can join me in your own dreamquest, and follow this blog.

August 27th...it begins.