:(

Well, here I am, a few months into this experiment and doing less. I'm in a very unpleasant work environment, making next to nothing, barely surviving. The play is a few weeks out and still don't have all the necessary money to put it together. The cast and crew are great but I am concerned that it won't work out. I am banking everything currently on getting large audiences for each performance. Then I should be fine again.

I'm uncertain about my relationship, I'm unhappy in my job, and I don't seem to have any new friends. I don't know how other people get jobs that pay well. I did what I was supposed to do - I went to university, got degrees to postgraduate level, and I'm still living far below the poverty line.

I sometimes feel like I am the opposite of King Midas - there's nothing I touch that doesn't end up working out badly. I also dislike complaining and complainers, but I felt that things have gotten so rough again that I needed to mention it, if only to remember this.

I'm considering applying to posts in other countries, as it seems like all I have experienced in this one is a lot of behind-the-back whispers and unbelievable behaviour from people who should be old enough to know better.

I'm somewhat homesick again, but far less so now that I know what 'home' is at present, rather than the place in my memory.

I'm sure there is some way to get into these jobs - I've known many people in them, although not in my own friend circle. No amount of rewriting my CV or sending cover letters seems to help; I hear nothing or only receive polite letters of rejection. Everyone says it's the economy but it isn't just that...I feel like there is a secret handshake that for some reason, I have never been taught, and I'm on the lookout for someone who can teach it to me.