I am madly in love with the Big Island of Hawai'i. I have lived there twice, had my heart broken there, and wanted to settle there. Unfortunately, circumstances meant that I had to leave - and go to Scotland. I felt that I would never find another place I loved.
Seoul, South Korea, is a place I love very much. Not in the same way I love Hawai'i, for its nature and its amazing heritage. Seoul is a city of the future, brilliant and convenient, providing anything and everything you could possibly want - and even things you had never even thought of. Seoul is always a surprise and an adventure, and living here is very easy.
However, as much as I love the city, I do not like my job, to the point that I handed in my resignation and will be returning to Scotland, which I now call home. And although Scotland was never what I'd call 'good to me', it still provided me with the most lovely assortment of friends, companions, and in particular, dedicated young men, I have ever known. I have a future there, if I choose that path. My family has a past there, as well. I still feel connected to the land, even when we are so far apart. Not in love, as I was with Hawai'i, or at ease, as I am with Seoul - Scotland, as prickled as a thistle, my hard-won homeland. To paraphrase Robert Louis Stevenson, and I return home with a will.
I don't know what will happen in the future, if I will ever fall in love with Scotland, as I'd hoped, or if it will always be the hardscrabble existence that I thought I'd left behind when I moved to this Asian version of Glasgow, with infinitely kinder people. However, I hope that whatever happens, I will persevere.
The spell has been broken. My heartbreak seems to have almost entirely healed. Three years and counting. Still, the wound has scarred now, and only occasionally gives me cause for complaint. It has been a long and strange path to this point.
I hope one day, looking back, I will feel that I made the right choices, and can reconcile that which I love - Hawai'i - that which I fight for - Scotland - and that which has shown me the true kindness of people and the possibility that life doesn't have to be so hard - Seoul...and that I will continue to discover new and amazing places throughout my journey through life, like the separate facets of a precious gemstone, each with their own radiance and brilliance - and each, with their lesson to teach me.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Monday, December 5, 2011
Falling in Love Too Late
Seems as though I just don't want to leave.
With all the terrible things that have happened in the last few years, and coming to terms with the sometimes-very-negative reality of Scotland, I have found that somewhere deep in myself is still that person who loves this land more than the negative people that can sometimes inhabit the place. Silly as it is, it's as if I have an ancestral need to be planted here, in this damp and inhospitable climate.
Hundreds of years ago, my ancestors left here, and Ireland, to find a better place and success in the New World. I hate to be the only one who ever returned, only to find the same fate. I want to be the one that stayed.
With all the terrible things that have happened in the last few years, and coming to terms with the sometimes-very-negative reality of Scotland, I have found that somewhere deep in myself is still that person who loves this land more than the negative people that can sometimes inhabit the place. Silly as it is, it's as if I have an ancestral need to be planted here, in this damp and inhospitable climate.
Hundreds of years ago, my ancestors left here, and Ireland, to find a better place and success in the New World. I hate to be the only one who ever returned, only to find the same fate. I want to be the one that stayed.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Moving
It appears that my time here is drawing to a close, and I will be headed off for a new adventure in another land. I hope that I will feel more positive there than I have here.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Glasgow Again
I have returned to Glasgow after a glorious summer on Islay. I'm not sure the city will ever grow on me, but I'm told it has to do with my location. I'm not so sure, but I will take their word for it.
Still unsure about what will happen next in life, but working on it.
Still unsure about what will happen next in life, but working on it.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Mystery
I am currently trying to solve a mystery.
Years ago, I was fit and strong. I worked as a deckhand and had plans to move to Florida for the winter season to gain experience, planning to go to a merchant mariner's college in order to become an ore boat captain. This dream conflicted with my other dream of attending university in Scotland, but I enjoyed the fresh air and the days at sea more than any other job I'd held before.
Then I met my birthmother's stepfather. This was the first time that I had any contact with anyone in my birth family. He asked if there had been any problems with my muscles over the years; being one of the strongest people I've known, I scoffed at the very idea! My muscles, my strength, and my uncanny flexibility had been my pride and joy - the source of my personality and its driving force.
He told me that my birthmother, and indeed most of my birthfamily, had myotonic muscular dystrophy. It generally came on in the person's mid-to-late 20's, and from there was unstoppable, no matter how often the person with the disease worked out. Over the years I'd had certain health problems but never thought they might be related to each other - and it turned out that every one of them was a symptom of muscular dystrophy.
I walked the streets that evening in a daze. It took a few more years before I was tested, and I was the only person in the entire family who did not have it. However, this left the mystery of what was wrong with me, as I had further complications. For example, my hips and shoulders continually started dislocating, which was incredibly painful and kept me from some of my favourite activities, such as weightlifting and bellydancing.
I discovered a disease called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which seems to explain many of my difficulties. It is a connective tissue disorder with frequent dislocation/subluxation of the joints, marked by extreme flexibility, velvety skin, and occasionally skin that stretches. Because I was very thin and strong for most of my life, it would not have been noticable when I was young, but as I age and continue to develop problems, the loss of muscle mass means that I am losing anything that holds my bones and joints together.
Now, years later, my birth mother has three months to live, as my brother told me a few days ago. I have gained weight and lost muscle definition, missed so many opportunities with bellydance and with other activities I loved. Aside from being broke, these issues have kept me from everything I want to do - it is difficult to work out when it is almost impossible to walk because of hip subluxation.
All I know is that I hope this is the answer to the mystery that has kept me somewhat disabled for several years. I would like to return to the things I love, and to find out the reason for these problems. I know it took my father years to find a doctor who would diagnose him with Lyme's Disease; I only hope my wait will not be as long.
Years ago, I was fit and strong. I worked as a deckhand and had plans to move to Florida for the winter season to gain experience, planning to go to a merchant mariner's college in order to become an ore boat captain. This dream conflicted with my other dream of attending university in Scotland, but I enjoyed the fresh air and the days at sea more than any other job I'd held before.
Then I met my birthmother's stepfather. This was the first time that I had any contact with anyone in my birth family. He asked if there had been any problems with my muscles over the years; being one of the strongest people I've known, I scoffed at the very idea! My muscles, my strength, and my uncanny flexibility had been my pride and joy - the source of my personality and its driving force.
He told me that my birthmother, and indeed most of my birthfamily, had myotonic muscular dystrophy. It generally came on in the person's mid-to-late 20's, and from there was unstoppable, no matter how often the person with the disease worked out. Over the years I'd had certain health problems but never thought they might be related to each other - and it turned out that every one of them was a symptom of muscular dystrophy.
I walked the streets that evening in a daze. It took a few more years before I was tested, and I was the only person in the entire family who did not have it. However, this left the mystery of what was wrong with me, as I had further complications. For example, my hips and shoulders continually started dislocating, which was incredibly painful and kept me from some of my favourite activities, such as weightlifting and bellydancing.
I discovered a disease called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which seems to explain many of my difficulties. It is a connective tissue disorder with frequent dislocation/subluxation of the joints, marked by extreme flexibility, velvety skin, and occasionally skin that stretches. Because I was very thin and strong for most of my life, it would not have been noticable when I was young, but as I age and continue to develop problems, the loss of muscle mass means that I am losing anything that holds my bones and joints together.
Now, years later, my birth mother has three months to live, as my brother told me a few days ago. I have gained weight and lost muscle definition, missed so many opportunities with bellydance and with other activities I loved. Aside from being broke, these issues have kept me from everything I want to do - it is difficult to work out when it is almost impossible to walk because of hip subluxation.
All I know is that I hope this is the answer to the mystery that has kept me somewhat disabled for several years. I would like to return to the things I love, and to find out the reason for these problems. I know it took my father years to find a doctor who would diagnose him with Lyme's Disease; I only hope my wait will not be as long.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Just...wow
Beyond all expectation, I have landed a summer job on the gorgeous island of Islay - along with affordable accommodation, which is nearly unheard of as Islay books up through October. Even more fascinating, I will be working at the Gaelic college! Finally a job in a place I want to be, doing something I believe in. :D The only real issue is that it doesn't pay very highly, but that is all right as it will give me something wonderful to put on my resume, and the chance to live somewhere in Scotland that is not Glasgow, which may be the secret to my unhappiness here. Perhaps it is not the country, but the particular location. Of course there is always a possibility that I will feel the same on Islay but I have visited the island several times and notice that the moment I return to Glasgow I feel my teeth set on edge.
This weekend was marvelous, as all weekends on Islay are. Bountiful whisky and wine, more good food than anyone could possibly eat, stunning sunsets, seals basking, and good times with good friends. I sat atop a cliff overlooking Ireland and sang Celtic songs while the boys leaped from rock to rock. They reported that they found a cave next to the sea that had been graffitied. One message said: John and Paula Forever, 2004. Further down the cave: John and Paula Soulmates 2009. Then further along a white cross painted next to the message: Please save Paula for me. This combination of wild and windswept beaches while lying in deep heather near the sea, melancholy and romance, cameraderie and barbecues that the other villagers attend simply because they saw the smoke (and bring along whisky from the local distillery) - how could you not love a place like that?
And now is my chance to live it, if only for a brief time. I hope that it will continue to weave its magic, as it has done for me every time I have visited this wonderful island.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Things That Are Not Actually Normal, but Seem Sort of Normal After Living in Glasgow For 2 Years
This is a post related to one published by The Rejectionist, who is awesome and you should read her stuff.
Things that Seem Sort of Normal (But Aren't Really) After Living in Glasgow for 2 Years:
Vomit on the pavement (sidewalk) in the morning.
Border collies that wait patiently for their owners outside stores.
Orange skin.
The sun is STILL UP when you go to bed.
Feet wet constantly. I really mean constantly.
Never being quite warm enough.
The random guys who, for whatever reason, dress in a kilt and tam and have a collie dog.
If something is someone's fault, they will NOT admit it. Even with evidence.
Underhanded behaviour/backstabbing/two-facedness.
Buckfast.
Track suits as evening wear.
Alcohol on campus. Served by your professors.
Pound coins in order to use a shopping trolley.
Words like 'rubbish bin, knackered, mingin, greetin, etc'.
Stunningly beautiful landscapes that you will never have enough money to see.
Neds.
Awful wine.
The scenery and the whisky, along with the forced joviality and singalongs, are all for tourists.
Things that Seem Sort of Normal (But Aren't Really) After Living in Glasgow for 2 Years:
Vomit on the pavement (sidewalk) in the morning.
Border collies that wait patiently for their owners outside stores.
Orange skin.
The sun is STILL UP when you go to bed.
Feet wet constantly. I really mean constantly.
Never being quite warm enough.
The random guys who, for whatever reason, dress in a kilt and tam and have a collie dog.
If something is someone's fault, they will NOT admit it. Even with evidence.
Underhanded behaviour/backstabbing/two-facedness.
Buckfast.
Track suits as evening wear.
Alcohol on campus. Served by your professors.
Pound coins in order to use a shopping trolley.
Words like 'rubbish bin, knackered, mingin, greetin, etc'.
Stunningly beautiful landscapes that you will never have enough money to see.
Neds.
Awful wine.
The scenery and the whisky, along with the forced joviality and singalongs, are all for tourists.
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