I neglect this blog a great deal. Apparently I am not very good at daily diary entries; perhaps if I were funny, or chose something specific to talk about - as it is the blog's fairly scatterbrained.
I am sick yet again, this time with pleurisy, I think. I am sick all the time here for some reason. *******************************************************************************************
Well, two productions have finished since I started this blog, neither of them attended by large audiences and neither of which made any money. I loved the process but it was so stressful, making my general misanthropy even worse. I recall that there were times when I was not misanthropic but it seems to be coming out more and more as I age. Anyhow, while all the productions I have done were worth it for the cameraderie and hilarious in-jokes that will only be funny to cast and crew, I am not sure I can afford to do another one. A shame, as we were planning on Sweeney Todd for the fall. However, I am the engine running the theatrical society and if I leave it will no longer run. I am still considering whether it is possible but I am not sure I have the money or the strength to deal with the stress of another show. This blog was started because the world I once knew and believed in no longer existed, and I wanted to make a new life where I focused on myself. Instead I continued to do things for and spend my money on other people. It is almost as if I have a hard time focusing on myself or caring about myself in any way. I feel guilty if I do anything on my own behalf, which is something I have learned this year, every time I have tried. For example, I would feel like I could not join the gym as that money could be used for the play, or for taking a friend out to eat. In the end, I am just broke constantly. My frustration with being able to find a job that pays well has not helped. It has given me a defeated feeling.
Most of this blog, as I look over it, and read even this post, seems to have one repeated theme: I am unhappy, I am angry. I think of some dance friends of mine who are very Zen, like a yoga retreat all the time. I wish I had their peace. When I was younger I used to wear hippie clothes and someone once asked me why I wore them, and believed in peace, when I was such a violent person (which I was at the time but have spent many years getting it under control). I remember that I responded, 'Because I don't have any, and I would like some.' I said it then for different reasons than I am saying it now, but after almost a year since this blog started and I am still at square one, I am asking God for some peace of mind.
I feel frequently that people take advantage of me, and because I love them, I let them. I sit up at night and worry if I think someone is angry with me, even if they were being rude to me or abusive - I blame myself. I am terrified of losing the few friends I have - never having been popular, and with a gruff demeanor, my personality isn't exactly welcoming, although I wish it was. I see films like Legally Blonde and I wish I had that type of bubbly, happy personality. Underneath the gruffness, however, is a loyal friend who truly loves those around her. I think about the things I started this blog about - finding a good job, taking care of myself, thinking of my own goals before those of other people, and how I have really pursued none of those things, being so wrapped up in everything I was doing with the plays. I am going on a cruise in June so that should be helpful...perhaps it is time for a yoga retreat of my own.
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